"What the (bleep) is that?" he exclaims. They always do when I show them into the procedure room.
I run a clinic that specializes in helping hardcore athletes obtain viable sperm samples when they and their partners are ready for children. I have noticed that some guys are so committed to training to be the best or working to construct that perfect body, that very often they push themselves to the point where physiologically they simply can no longer have a full orgasm with viable sperm counts. All of their hormones go into feeding their bodies and as a result their testicles and penis' suffer. Think about it. You have no doubt seen plenty of pictures of massive body builders that actually have rather pathetic packages for their size. It's not just an optical illusion, it's the price of the many hours of intense training and dietary sacrifice they put themselves through. It's not just body builders either, the problem can affect any athlete trying to train at a top level. In fact my business got started when a semi-pro MMA fighter asked me for help during an otherwise routine office visit. They say word of mouth is some of the best advertising and I can vouch for that. After I helped him, I started getting a stream of other guys engaged in various pursuits all starting the conversation with a really quiet and hesitant "So I heard you might be able to help with a problem" kind of thing. I eventually got enough business to where I changed my medical practice to one that exclusively works on sports infertility.
I know that just coming into the office is a big deal for these guys. They are proud athletes who are proud of their bodies and accomplishments, but embarrassed by the domestic situation they are stuck in. My office keeps a low profile, with just a small sign with my name on it, and a similarly discreet directory listing next to the elevator shaft. I have my own floor in a small medical office building that has other offices for entirely normal practices such orthopedics, rehab, and nutrition. If anyone in the media was stalking one of my clients, all they would see is my client pulling into a perfectly normal doctor's office parking lot. My consultation office has an extra thick and heavy door to try and put my clients mentally at ease that what they are about to discuss will be completely private. I explain that my medical records system is completely air-gapped from The Internet. It would take a Mission Impossibe-style theft in order to obtain the records. All of this normally helps put my client at ease so we can have a frank discussion.
After a discussion about the clients problems, I will then explain the procedure involving the extraction apparatus. I still haven't come up with a good name for it that doesn't cause an uncomfortable reaction. By the time these guys come to me, there are not too many choices. Erectile disfunction drugs only solve half the problem. They will help with the erection, but can't do anything about low sperm count and bad quality sperm. The drugs also can't help with the lack of production of other fluids that make up a large part of the ejaculate and are responsible for lubrication of the urethra and helping neutralize the environment in the vagina. Normally dealing with these problems would require an approach that most of my clients would find undesirable. It involves weeks in cage-enforced chastity, the discontinuing of use of some popular supplements, and sessions of cold packs on the testicles. Since most guys coil up in fear at being caught in a chastity cage in the gym, this approach is a major turn off. So, over time, I have built up an alternative approach. I show my client into a room down the hall.
When we reach the treatment room, the first thing the client sees is something that looks like the most vicious torture instrument they could have ever imagined. Again, it's not the effect I really want, but I just haven't found a good way of presenting it. What they see is a heavy metal stand on a slightly raised platform. The sides of the stands have thick leather straps hanging from them. At the top there is a head restraint system hanging down, with a gas mask off to the side. At the bottom is a small winch. And in the center is the worst part, an adjustable height pole with a small dildo on top. It really is a bit much to take in all at once, and I suppose I could take some of the pieces off the stand and store them elsewhere, but really the look can't be helped much.
At this point, many of my clients opt to reconsider the longer approach. I will offer to help fit the chastity cage on them so they can test it for comfort and looks. Once we go through that however, the client normally realizes pretty quickly that the cage will noticeable through their favorite pair of compression shorts or briefs. A hard gulp and it's back to a discussion about the machine.
I find that an open and frank explanation normally calms most clients down. Right away I assure that while there may be considerable discomfort during the procedure, it won't be any worse then one of their workouts. Recovery should be quick. The key to the procedure is that orgasm has to be delayed until the right conditions are achieved. I find that in many cases, these big athletes actually don't masturbate or otherwise engage in much intercourse due to fatigue. This tends to lead to premature orgasms. I employ several tactics to delay orgasm. First, I attach a harness to the scrotum to apply tension to the testicles. That tension is maintained by the winch at the bottom. Second, I control the amount of oxygen in the blood. Orgasm doesn't occur until there is a small drop in blood oxygen level. I control this through the mask. The dildo is there is provide stimulation to the prostate. This helps the body produce the lubricating fluid required for sperm to clear the urethra during collection. The straps are there keep the body in place, and also to help provide a sort of webbing to lean back on during the process. The head restraint prevents injury in the event that you pass out after finally having an orgasm.
Usually after a good explanation, the client is back to breathing normally again and we can talk about scheduling. I normally suggest setting aside a full day. I suggest that the client try and at least cut back on their workouts starting 3 days out. I advise that they should cut down on the use of some supplements, although protein shakes are ok. I know in most cases this advice gets ignored. I strongly ask however that the client not consume more than a single cup of coffee's worth of caffeine the morning of. It's helpful to have blood pressure and heart rate be relatively low.
On the day of the procedure, the client will typically arrive around mid-morning. I will perform a basic physical exam, checking heart rhythm, breathing, and making sure the client doesn't have anything like a hernia or other muscle tear that the procedure could make worse. I also do a basic rectal exam if the client is engaged in sports that for a lack of a better way to put, may cause them to get knocked back on their rears. I don't want the client to be feeling pain from a bruised or fractured tailbone on top of everything else. During the exam, most guys will normally get at least a partial erection. Some clients however are so hardcore that they don't or can't. If a client hasn't responded, I recommend a shot of erection drug to the penis. The shot helps reduce the amount of time in the machine. We then proceed to the procedure room. The client steps up on the platform and has his feet anchored in place about a shoulder's width apart. I then put on some gloves, lube the dildo and insert it into the client's rectum, adjusting it to make contact with the client's prostate. I go ahead and turn on the vibrating function to let it start doing it's job. Next I secure straps around the client's thighs high up at groin level in order to keep the client from thrusting his hips and knocking some of the apparatus around. I then loosely run some straps behind the client's back to give him something to slightly lean back on if desired. I then secure the client's wrists and upper arms to the sides of the rack. This prevents him from involuntarily flailing his arms around as well as prevents him from falling forward at the waist. In his left had, I strap on a safety stop button. The client can push the button at any time and everything will stop. I attach a heart rate and respiration strap to the client's chest, followed by a pulse ox sensor on a finger. At this point, the client's penis is now in a heavily engorged state from the vibrator and there is the beginnings of a stream of fluid dripping out. I proceed to attach the harness to the scrotum, leaving slack in the cord to the winch for the time being. I confirm the client is ready to proceed, then attach the head restraint.
As I grab the vacuum massager to begin working on the extraction, I hear the beeping on the heart rate machine accelerate. This is the most tense moment for many clients. I watch their muscles tense up as I help their penis into the tube, which pulls it in with the gentle tug I have it currently set up for. I confirm with the client one more time that he is ready and move to a control console on a cart. I increase the intensity of the vacuum and start the stroking cycle. After a couple of minutes, the client relaxes a bit and begins to move towards a full erection. I work with the client to match the speed and intensity to their normal sexual rhythm. I watch for signs of the client moving towards orgasm. These signs include faster breathing and increased heart rate on the monitor, as well as signs such as the testicles beginning to retract. I apply tension to the testicles with the winch. As the respiration rate increases, and the breaths being to shallow, I cover the clients nose and mouth with the oxygen mask. I now have complete control of the client's reflexes. Carefully watching the monitors and the client's body, I stimulate his penis until a sensor in the vacuum pump's sample collection container indicates a certain level of pre-ejaculatory fluid is being produced. At this stage, a slow down the stimulation in order to make a change to the dildo inserted in the client's rectum. I exchange the prostate stimulator for a shorter but thicker plug designed to enhance the thrusting reflex of orgasm. The final stage now proceeds. I add penis stimulation and build the client back up to the edge of orgasm, keeping him on the edge by stretching the testicles. When the maximum safe tension on the testicles is reached, I press the button on the console that executes a set of preprogramed actions. The clients blood oxygen level is allowed to drop, the tension on the testicles is eased slightly, and a small current pulses through client's rectum. This pushes him over into the full orgasm. The client's sperm is collected in a container attached to the vacuum hose. Collection continues until the client's heart rate and respiration crash.
After removing the massager tube from the client's penis, I remove the gas mask, pulse ox sensor, and free an arm. I hand the client a towel he can use to wipe off while I remove the dildo and scrotum harness. I then untie the straps from the bottom up, leaning him back on the straps behind him while he works the muscles in his legs. I then offer him some scrub pants and guide him to the recovery room. Typically clients will pass out on the bed for 1 to 3 hours after a procedure. During that time, I check the sperm sample for count and quality. If the quality is satisfactory, I place the sample in the freezer for when the client's partner is ready for the artificial insemination procedure. I have found my process produces a good result in better than 9 out 10 attempts. For the 10th case, things have to get much more painful and invasive.