And me? Me name's John McManus, though me mates call me Johnny Mac and I'm a Spurs fan. And proud of it! And like all good Spurs fans I hate The Arse, which is what me and me mates call The Arsenal.

Not that I have much time to think about them at the moment. This morning I got pulled in by the cops on suspicion of nicking stuff - again. Seems some nosey-parker saw someone who looks like me - wearing a Spurs cap and shirt just like mine - take the stuff. Well that fits loads of blokes 'round here.

Of course, being a smart guy I keep stum 'til me Brief arrives and gets me off wiv "Insufficient Evidence" - again! Boy did I laugh at them stupid cops. Especially that big one, Sergeant Mike Smith, 'Smiffy' to his pals, which don't include me. I only call him Smiffy to wind him up. He's obsessed wiv getting me banged me up in the nick - keeps looking at me real funny like. But he ain't gonna get me. Why? 'Cos I'm smarter than him and he knows it.

Now I'm off to the pub to celebrate by getting beered up wiv me mates. Maybe I'll pull that bird behind the bar wiv the big knockers. I reckon she fancies me.

And there ain't nuffin that Smiffy can do about it!